Title: Boldness

Subtitle: I was wondering why I had the audacity to name this blog provoking the lions…I guess I have a bit of an idea now…

It seems quite clear that there are seasons in life, such as youth, marriage, children at different stages, empty nest, and grandparent.  Let’s not mention old age!  But then there are moments…moments that change everything; or do they really? 

My pen has gone cold, taken to stuttering and lisping in these last months, actually since December…the fourteenth to be exact.  I was waiting, with my mother-in-law (one of those times you are glad she is around…smile!) in a waiting room.  One could do an interesting study on waiting rooms; I personally don’t really like them, but they do serve a purpose…waiting.  “Mr. Scarrow, telephone B please,” says the nice lady with the tired eyes that don’t really see you. Telephone B is not a good thing.  I should have realized that no one else was being called to telephone B.  The voice on the other end was faceless and so matter of fact.  The moment has begun. A warning begins to softly toll inside as awareness drifts into the periphery of my thinking. “She isn’t telling you everything”.  Waiting again in a waiting room trying to control thoughts, breathing, and knowing full well I am not in control.  An hour skids by and then another call to telephone B.  I am really not liking waiting rooms and have developed an aversion to telephone B.  “She is still not telling you everything” warns the awareness as the clatter of the clapper sounds louder and closer. Once again an hour latter, “Mr. Scarrow”, but this time there is a Dr. instead of the now reviled telephone B, someone I have never seen before.  It seems like there is a long stillness and a pause before he says the word.  In fact, now looking back, I cannot actually hear his voice form the word.  The thoughts came rushing and swirling. Action is so much easier in that moment.  What did we do before cell phones?

Some time later I found myself sitting beside her bed, the rush of first emotion beginning to fade.  The pounding of the bell of crisis fading just enough to begin to hear another voice, but I was totally unprepared for what I would hear.  The word given in such a moment crushed the lenses of self…self perspective, self focus, self protection.  To tell you the truth it was a shocking moment for me.  A word given in the tender flush of first grief seemed like a granite slab dropped in the middle of my flower garden of self pity.  I was sitting beside Andrea’s bed waiting for her to fully awaken from an unexpected surgery, knowing I would soon be explaining things we had never even imagined.  Poetic self serving thoughts roared through my mind. “How does a man tell the love of his life that she has cancer?”  When I heard His unmistakable voice say, “That’s not the issue. She will be fine.  How will you tell the world that your wife has cancer?” Boom! Granite on top of my carefully tended flowers. I shouldn’t have been surprised at my wife’s response to the “c” word, “Wow…o.k.” The next morning her first words were, “In the night God gave me one word, boldness.” I turned and looked at my garden and realized that it had been missing something, a nice big beautiful piece of granite right smack in the middle!